Interstitial drabble - epiphany!

[anghraine]

Darcy and Elizabeth both insist that they have no idea when they actually fell in love with each other; however, in Elizabeth's case, Austen alludes to some sort of realisation shortly after Lydiagate.  So that's what this is. 

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Title:  Epiphany

Fandom: Austen (PRIDE AND PREJUDICE)

Fanverse: N/A (interstitial)

Blurb:  [Elizabeth] was, by this time, tolerably well acquainted with her own feelings.

Major Characters: Elizabeth Bennet

Pairings/Warnings: Fitzwilliam Darcy/Elizabeth Bennet; canonical angst

Length: double-drabble

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The fortnight after Lydia’s elopement was, even in retrospect, the worst in Elizabeth’s life.

Everybody was unhappy, of course; Mrs Bennet thought of nothing but Lydia and her own comfort, Kitty convinced herself that everybody blamed her, Mary really did, and Jane could hardly keep the peace.

Elizabeth, however, suffered the most of all; while the others drifted discontentedly through their days, her misery was sharp and intense.  She felt almost sick with it. 

She also felt guilty, because Darcy occupied her thoughts every bit as much as Lydia did - Darcy, safe and comfortable at Pemberley, who now felt nothing but pity for her.  She seemed unable to prevent herself from wondering, incessantly, about his welfare, and thought of the past with constant, bitter regret.                           

Elizabeth could not explain it.  They did not really know each other, after all - well, they knew the essentials, but not those crucial, myriad details - well, they did have a sort of intimacy with each other’s ways, but . . . 

She looked down at his letter, and not at the oft-pored over adieu.

I feel no doubt of your secrecy.

No, of course he did not - no more than she had, confiding everything without a moment’s hesitation.  Why had she done that?

Why did he?

"Oh, God," said Elizabeth, and heartily wished that Mr Bingley had never been born.

Comments

[tree]

despite your professed difficulties with elizabeth's SFness, i always feel you write her remarkably well. more to the point, i always enjoy reading your elizabeth. this, i like very much. part of the pleasure of its sharp, twisty pain is that we know, of course, about the happy ending. as someone who prizes emotional depth over plot, i'm often left thinking "i don't care what happened, just tell me how it felt" which is, i'm happy to say, something you always do. and i suppose that's one of the reasons why i continue to feel the need to peel back the layers and peer inside these characters and this story - there's always more feeling to unearth. and in many ways, and oddly enough, it's elizabeth who needs the most unearthing. even though we read her thoughts more than we read darcy's, hindsight allows us to understand that darcy's feelings and motivations are fairly straightforward for most of the novel, whereas elizabeth's are contradictory and elusive, probably all the more so because, as an S, she's less aware of them herself. even though darcy struggles with what he feels, as an N, i suspect he almost always knows how he feels. but elizabeth seems to come at it so backwards. it's not that she's in denial, but that she truly doesn't know she loves him. it makes her all knotty.

err, this comment is now longer than your drabble. oh, but i have to ask this question since it's been poking at me for a while. are your 'current music' choices what you're actually listening to at the time, or are they nods to the content of your posts? because they so often make me laugh and then i feel a bit guilty.

one more thing

[tree]

i love that she wishes bingley had never been born. not darcy.

done now.

Re: one more thing

[anghraine]

LOLZ! She's too much in love with Darcy to wish him unborn, but Bingley is such a bastard, you know. Presuming to rent a house and invite guests. ;)

oh!

[anghraine]

thank you! Darcy is very easy for me to write, because he makes an intuitive sort of sense - but Elizabeth is so challenging. As you say, she's much less straightforward, and also it's - I mean, I have to sit down and analyse the maybe three lines about what she's generally feeling at that point, then consider both the likely perspective of an SF and the known particularities of Elizabeth's personality and . . . yeah. It's fun in a weird way, though.

I'm glad you enjoy it! I mean, of course it's all woe sorrow woe woe etc etc, but since we know it's going to be all right in the end - well, there's a kind of bizarre enjoyment in it. And esp with E, of all people.

Well, it's all about the characterisation, right? And of course feelings and emotional dynamics and such are crucial to that - especially with Austen, who does nearly all of her exploration of character via relationships.

And Elizabeth in particular - yes, exactly. While Darcy's personality is difficult and complex, emotionally he's very straightforward and, I agree, very self-aware. Readers are much more willing to accept his self-analysis than Elizabeth's precisely because of his self-consciousness. Her awareness of herself is oblique and -yes, contradictory and elusive. You don't have to read against the text to question what she says she feels - especially when she will later do so herself! (No, of course I don't care that he dislikes me!)

I'm pretty sure my reply is waaaaaaaay longer than the drabble. But, you know, analysis is good! As for my songs, heeeeeeee. It totally depends - sometimes I'll switch until I get something that suits what I'm doing, sometimes it's just what happens to be on, and sometimes it's just something I thought would be funny. ;)

[hl]

Heeh, ditto to everything tree said about the ending. And I love the second paragraph--I cannot but envy you your capacity to describe to simply and sharply the situation.

I particularly love the progression of the fic--of her own realization.

[anghraine]

Heh. The second paragraph to longer to write than anything but the end. Mostly the paring-down until only the essentials were left. But keeping it to the essentials is half the fun of drabbles, so ... yes. Thanks!

Realisation fic is, incidentally, way more awkward than vague angst. I think I wrote "I love him" a dozen times (and promptly deleted it, of course). Somehow "screw you Bingley" seemed to work better. ;)

[sixbeforelunch]

Hee! That's so perfectly Elizabeth. I love the last line. :)

[elperian]

Delightful, but especially in the context of having read your Jyn/Cassian fic eight years after this was written, this in particular jumped out to me:

Elizabeth could not explain it. They did not really know each other, after all - well, they knew the essentials, but not those crucial, myriad details - well, they did have a sort of intimacy with each other’s ways, but . . .

You do have a type ;)

[anghraine]

Hahaha, not a parallel I'd ever thought of (despite all the other ones I DID think of :P), but yeah, honestly.