Personal canon: Star Wars
Aug. 3rd, 2010 06:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anghraineI just put myself through the first two prequels again. (My reaction can be summed up in the following sentence: WTF Obi-Wan?)
So of course I couldn't not add to my set of personal canons. Even if I take a fairly casual approach to the actual canon (both for this and the next one).
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(1) Leia and Luke are half-siblings, not twins, and Leia is at least five or six years older. That, incidentally, is why she remembers their mother despite Padmé dying in childbirth; it was Luke’s birth, not Leia’s.
(2) Padmé became queen in the normal fashion: namely, inheritance.
(3) Everything you need to know about midichlorians can be summed up in fourlittle words:
Correlation is not causation.
(4) Sadly, Jar-Jar Binks did not die in a fire. This is because he never existed.
(5) Vader doesn’t want to be more than someone’s Dragon.
Someone wise and just and far-seeing should be in charge of the galaxy, someone whose judgment can always be relied upon. Vader is none of these things, and he knows it. He wouldn’t make a good Emperor; he’s not even much of a commander.
But he makes one hell of a lieutenant.
(6) People of colour other than Lando Calrissian and Mace Windu do exist.
Somewhere.
(7) The Queen of Alderaan’s name was Jaina.
(8) The whole blowing-up-the-Death-Star didn’t actually convince Han of THE TRUTH OF THE FORCE.
(He thinks of it in capitals because that’s how Luke says it, even now.)
Luke was an amazing pilot, sure. They all knew that. Good reflexes, good eyes, good luck. Didn’t mean he had cosmic superpowers or that the hokey superstitions had got it right.
That was when things started to float.
Han gave up about the time that a hydrospanner hurtled across the cockpit, smacked him in the forehead, and flew into Luke’s outstretched hand.
Whatever that thing was, it had a terrible sense of humour.
(9) Leia’s birth father was a promising young politician from Alderaan. Padmé met him the summer she turned seventeen and after an interlude she later described – depending on her audience – as either “a fling” or “an indiscretion,” she became pregnant with Leia.
The pregnancy postponed her political career for two years and caused any amount of personal anguish, but she never regretted it for an instant. For all three of them, Bail and Jaina and Padmé, Leia was a gift beyond price.
(She wasn’t for the man who fathered her, because he never knew she existed.)
(10) When Vader tells him that – well, tells him that, Luke does feel the truth of it in the Force.
Then he bursts out laughing, disconcerting even his father.
Oh, Vader fully expected the boy to become hysterical in some fashion or another. It’s not that. It’s the sound itself that is unsettling.
This is because Luke Skywalker has the creepiest, most chillingly deranged laugh heard byhuman sentient ears.
(Seriously, that would have been epic. Search your feelings, fellow Millennials: you know it to be true. At least you do if you watched Batman: The Animated Series as a child.)
(11) Luke technically reforges the Jedi Order by himself, but he doesn’t feel alone.
Unfortunately, this is not because of his close relationship with his family, the support of the Republic, or even the constant, reassuring presence of the Force.
It’s because his father seems to be the only Jedi capable of both mastering the Force-ghost trick and not dispensing advice at all hours.
And that’s just guilt.
(12) The whole overpowered human-Force-hybrid Chosen One thing ends with Luke. He never marries or has any children.
This is probably for the best.
(13) Endor never had any native intelligent life; however, at some point it was settled by a large battalion – that is, a large colony – of Wookiees.
Their grandchildren own the stormtroopers’ asses, and it is glorious.
(14) Anakin Skywalker always thinks of himself as, first and foremost, a Jedi. He adheres devoutly to their faith; even as Vader, he isn’t remotely disturbed by the fact that everyone still seems to consider him one.
But he is disturbed by Admiral Motti’s blasphemy.
Vader wasn’t going to kill him, on that occasion. Motti presumed to question the will of the Force, to doubt its power. He had to be punished.
(Vader is a Jedi, a Jedi who glimpsed the truth while the other Force-sensitives remained – remain – caught in their foolish, small-minded dichotomies. And these lesser folk don’t need to see a lightsabre to recognise him for what he is.)
(15) Little Padmé Amidala was Palpatine’s queen and fellow Nubian and, for a time, his protégée. He was fond of her.
In his way.
(16) Not long after the Battle of Endor, Luke marries Leia and Han in an Alderaani ceremony on Corellia. It’s quiet and touching and deeply meaningful for all of them.
There’s another ceremony after the war, a lavish spectacle watched by half the galaxy and signifying nothing. They enjoy that too.
(17) Vader disapproved of the Death Star.
It was a technological terror, an abomination before the Force, and its destruction was inevitable. Vader was not even particularly surprised when the pilot he chased blazed in the Force, and almost regretted that it was his duty to bring him down.
When he discovers the pilot’s name, the first thing he feels is pride. His son is a Rebel, a traitor, and little more than half-trained, yet he, too, is upholding the will of the Force.
(18) Obi-Wan Kenobi was a great Jedi, a gentle and well-meaning man with a fine tactical mind, a thoroughly competent general, a manipulative bastard, a loyal friend, a pleasant guest, a hospitable host, and a perfectly appalling teacher.
Oh, and he was an excellent roommate. Very clean.
(Seriously. Learn your place? Yes,, public humiliation is the perfect way to deal with a gifted child in the throes of adolescent angst.)
(19) Leia’s daughter is Force-sensitive.
She babbles at her uncle from the womb.
(20) When used in moments of anger or hatred, the Dark Side exerted an insidious influence, exaggerating the users’ flaws and eroding their inhibitions and principles.
It did much the same to those who surrendered fully to it. They possessed many of the same qualities they had inlife their former lives, warped out of all proportion. And what scruples remained to them were eroded, in a sense.
In the same sense that volcanic eruptions are erosion, of course. Even once the shock passed, the hapless users regaining a sort of command over themselves, they were never the same. Nothing but the deepest qualities, the deepest impulses, could survive it, and those were not of a sort to ameliorate its effect.
It was not so much a side of the Force, eternal and immutable, as a taint upon it, anchored by its living slaves: with Anakin freed and Palpatine dead, it simply withered away, as if it had never been.
(21) Padmé’s insane clothes and hairstyles had less to do with her rank and more to do with the Nubian approximation of the eighties.
Happily, theirs, too, passed.
(22) Palpatine died for real on the Death Star.
And he didn’t come back.
In any way.
At all.
Ever.
(23) Luke did not learn about reproduction from living on a farm.
This is because it was a moisture farm.
That means they farmed water.
Water is a somewhat less than ideal primer on sexuality.
In fact, Owen and Beru sat him down to talk about it when he about twelve. Everybody got embarrassed and Luke whined and both of his foster parents blushed and afterwards he ran off to play with a model starship.
(24) Padmé died within minutes of giving birth.
The cause of death was exsanguination.
(25) Vader realised early on that Palpatine wasn’t the ideal person for his position. Padmé, on the other hand, would be a proper Empress, bringing peace and order the way it ought to be –
That hope was given up until he discovered The Name. The boy’s-Vader’s-their name.
Luke Skywalker is one of the principal agitators of the rebellion, but he doesn’t give the rousing calls to war of Princess Leia and General Rieekan. He talks quietly of an end to tyranny – to the slavery and chaos of the Outer Rim – to the corruption of the Core. He talks of harmony and plenty, and his words are backed by a dozen ludicrously improbable victories. Even on the few, inadequate holos Vader has gathered, the boy all but radiates sincerity, power, hope, peace.
This is his son. Vader is determined that someday he will be his Emperor, as well.
So of course I couldn't not add to my set of personal canons. Even if I take a fairly casual approach to the actual canon (both for this and the next one).
---------------------
(1) Leia and Luke are half-siblings, not twins, and Leia is at least five or six years older. That, incidentally, is why she remembers their mother despite Padmé dying in childbirth; it was Luke’s birth, not Leia’s.
(2) Padmé became queen in the normal fashion: namely, inheritance.
(3) Everything you need to know about midichlorians can be summed up in four
Correlation is not causation.
(4) Sadly, Jar-Jar Binks did not die in a fire. This is because he never existed.
(5) Vader doesn’t want to be more than someone’s Dragon.
Someone wise and just and far-seeing should be in charge of the galaxy, someone whose judgment can always be relied upon. Vader is none of these things, and he knows it. He wouldn’t make a good Emperor; he’s not even much of a commander.
But he makes one hell of a lieutenant.
(6) People of colour other than Lando Calrissian and Mace Windu do exist.
Somewhere.
(7) The Queen of Alderaan’s name was Jaina.
(8) The whole blowing-up-the-Death-Star didn’t actually convince Han of THE TRUTH OF THE FORCE.
(He thinks of it in capitals because that’s how Luke says it, even now.)
Luke was an amazing pilot, sure. They all knew that. Good reflexes, good eyes, good luck. Didn’t mean he had cosmic superpowers or that the hokey superstitions had got it right.
That was when things started to float.
Han gave up about the time that a hydrospanner hurtled across the cockpit, smacked him in the forehead, and flew into Luke’s outstretched hand.
Whatever that thing was, it had a terrible sense of humour.
(9) Leia’s birth father was a promising young politician from Alderaan. Padmé met him the summer she turned seventeen and after an interlude she later described – depending on her audience – as either “a fling” or “an indiscretion,” she became pregnant with Leia.
The pregnancy postponed her political career for two years and caused any amount of personal anguish, but she never regretted it for an instant. For all three of them, Bail and Jaina and Padmé, Leia was a gift beyond price.
(She wasn’t for the man who fathered her, because he never knew she existed.)
(10) When Vader tells him that – well, tells him that, Luke does feel the truth of it in the Force.
Then he bursts out laughing, disconcerting even his father.
Oh, Vader fully expected the boy to become hysterical in some fashion or another. It’s not that. It’s the sound itself that is unsettling.
This is because Luke Skywalker has the creepiest, most chillingly deranged laugh heard by
(Seriously, that would have been epic. Search your feelings, fellow Millennials: you know it to be true. At least you do if you watched Batman: The Animated Series as a child.)
(11) Luke technically reforges the Jedi Order by himself, but he doesn’t feel alone.
Unfortunately, this is not because of his close relationship with his family, the support of the Republic, or even the constant, reassuring presence of the Force.
It’s because his father seems to be the only Jedi capable of both mastering the Force-ghost trick and not dispensing advice at all hours.
And that’s just guilt.
(12) The whole overpowered human-Force-hybrid Chosen One thing ends with Luke. He never marries or has any children.
This is probably for the best.
(13) Endor never had any native intelligent life; however, at some point it was settled by a large battalion – that is, a large colony – of Wookiees.
Their grandchildren own the stormtroopers’ asses, and it is glorious.
(14) Anakin Skywalker always thinks of himself as, first and foremost, a Jedi. He adheres devoutly to their faith; even as Vader, he isn’t remotely disturbed by the fact that everyone still seems to consider him one.
But he is disturbed by Admiral Motti’s blasphemy.
Vader wasn’t going to kill him, on that occasion. Motti presumed to question the will of the Force, to doubt its power. He had to be punished.
(Vader is a Jedi, a Jedi who glimpsed the truth while the other Force-sensitives remained – remain – caught in their foolish, small-minded dichotomies. And these lesser folk don’t need to see a lightsabre to recognise him for what he is.)
(15) Little Padmé Amidala was Palpatine’s queen and fellow Nubian and, for a time, his protégée. He was fond of her.
In his way.
(16) Not long after the Battle of Endor, Luke marries Leia and Han in an Alderaani ceremony on Corellia. It’s quiet and touching and deeply meaningful for all of them.
There’s another ceremony after the war, a lavish spectacle watched by half the galaxy and signifying nothing. They enjoy that too.
(17) Vader disapproved of the Death Star.
It was a technological terror, an abomination before the Force, and its destruction was inevitable. Vader was not even particularly surprised when the pilot he chased blazed in the Force, and almost regretted that it was his duty to bring him down.
When he discovers the pilot’s name, the first thing he feels is pride. His son is a Rebel, a traitor, and little more than half-trained, yet he, too, is upholding the will of the Force.
(18) Obi-Wan Kenobi was a great Jedi, a gentle and well-meaning man with a fine tactical mind, a thoroughly competent general, a manipulative bastard, a loyal friend, a pleasant guest, a hospitable host, and a perfectly appalling teacher.
Oh, and he was an excellent roommate. Very clean.
(Seriously. Learn your place? Yes,, public humiliation is the perfect way to deal with a gifted child in the throes of adolescent angst.)
(19) Leia’s daughter is Force-sensitive.
She babbles at her uncle from the womb.
(20) When used in moments of anger or hatred, the Dark Side exerted an insidious influence, exaggerating the users’ flaws and eroding their inhibitions and principles.
It did much the same to those who surrendered fully to it. They possessed many of the same qualities they had in
In the same sense that volcanic eruptions are erosion, of course. Even once the shock passed, the hapless users regaining a sort of command over themselves, they were never the same. Nothing but the deepest qualities, the deepest impulses, could survive it, and those were not of a sort to ameliorate its effect.
It was not so much a side of the Force, eternal and immutable, as a taint upon it, anchored by its living slaves: with Anakin freed and Palpatine dead, it simply withered away, as if it had never been.
(21) Padmé’s insane clothes and hairstyles had less to do with her rank and more to do with the Nubian approximation of the eighties.
Happily, theirs, too, passed.
(22) Palpatine died for real on the Death Star.
And he didn’t come back.
In any way.
At all.
Ever.
(23) Luke did not learn about reproduction from living on a farm.
This is because it was a moisture farm.
That means they farmed water.
Water is a somewhat less than ideal primer on sexuality.
In fact, Owen and Beru sat him down to talk about it when he about twelve. Everybody got embarrassed and Luke whined and both of his foster parents blushed and afterwards he ran off to play with a model starship.
(24) Padmé died within minutes of giving birth.
The cause of death was exsanguination.
(25) Vader realised early on that Palpatine wasn’t the ideal person for his position. Padmé, on the other hand, would be a proper Empress, bringing peace and order the way it ought to be –
That hope was given up until he discovered The Name. The boy’s-Vader’s-their name.
Luke Skywalker is one of the principal agitators of the rebellion, but he doesn’t give the rousing calls to war of Princess Leia and General Rieekan. He talks quietly of an end to tyranny – to the slavery and chaos of the Outer Rim – to the corruption of the Core. He talks of harmony and plenty, and his words are backed by a dozen ludicrously improbable victories. Even on the few, inadequate holos Vader has gathered, the boy all but radiates sincerity, power, hope, peace.
This is his son. Vader is determined that someday he will be his Emperor, as well.
I'm really enjoying these
on 2010-08-04 05:04 am (UTC)However, the TV Tropes link. Very sneaky. How will I get my morning back after it was sucked away?
Re: I'm really enjoying these
on 2010-08-04 02:27 pm (UTC)Also: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA