Anghraine

Mental health complaining:

One of the things about having bipolar II + autism + generalized anxiety is that … sometimes, it feels like it shouldn’t be a big deal, and maybe is hardly even a thing (or things, rather). There are people with actual mania and/or major problems with “functioning” and/or full-on panic attacks, so making a fuss is just ignoring the people who have real problems. (It doesn’t really help that there’s a lot of rhetoric around them that says pretty much exactly that, especially with regard to autism.)

But also, sometimes the bipolar-autistic-anxious stew is so overpowering and disruptive that when people go on about how it’s all quite mild, really, not even disabilities as such, it sounds about as batshit as what’s going on in my head.

So, on the one hand: I have the milder forms of everything, am not truly disabled, am probably taking attention from people with Real Problems, and should be much more able to cope and do normal person things.

On the other hand: I have a stack of mutually reinforcing disorders, large dosages, a history of mental breakdowns + there are a lot of Normal People Things I simply can’t do or can only do to a very limited extent. I am a literally crazy person.

End result: I feel even crazier than I was already!

Tagged: #my psychiatrist pointed out that it's already taking more than the usual max dosages to keep me stable #(in an unrelated conversation) #and yet part of me is thinking... do i have real problems??? #obviously i don't /really/ think that but it is a daily tug-of-war in my head #between 'wtf? i'm bipolar AND autistic AND severely anxious of course i have real problems' #and '...but other people have it worse so i should really be more competent than i am...' #meh #anyway i cherish a special resentment against people who act like hypomania is just funtimes and sparkles #+ ones who say this kind of autism is just being awkward and intense about hobbies #ughhhhh

Academia+mental health rambles:

yavieriel replied to this post:

Ugh, that therapist sounds super unhelpful. Good luck with finding a new one! In theory I would say that if there are multiple therapists available, they should understand a request of "I didn't find [therapist] a good fit, is someone else available?" but I realize in practice that might be less workable.

I replied (on Jan 24th):

Yeah, definitely very unhelpful. I wish I could remember her name so I could specifically request not to have her, lol.

yavieriel responded:

They might have a staff page with pictures and names, if that would help.

tree said (on Jan 23rd):

this is the kind of thing that the "just ask for help!" brigade never seems to understand. it's work and it's hard and it never stops. *solidarity fistbump*

I replied (on Jan 24th):

Exactly!

southsidestory said (on Feb 10th):

I'm bipolar II like you, and I also have PTSD and GAD. EMDR therapy was literally life changing and life saving for my PTSD recovery. But. I've found therapy very minimally helpful for my bipolar. Medication is the only thing that has truly improved my mood swings. So I understand your hesitancy, and also, that last therapist you had sounds incompetent at best and invalidating at worst. I hope you find somebody better! ❤️

I replied (on Feb 17th):

Thank you! And yes, that’s largely my experience—when I had severe disassociative depression, therapy helped some, but it kind of reached a point where the depressive side wasn’t as bad, but nothing except mood stabilizers+antipsychotics really seemed to prevent it. And in general, it’s pretty well under control these days unless there’s some significant strain (as now). I mean, knowing I could snap into cycling at any moment isn’t a fun way to live—even setting ASD and GAD aside—but it’s much better than before, therapist or no therapist.

Re: the last therapist … yeah, exactly. Thanks!

Tagged: #honestly therapy has been most useful when there's some insight that doesn't actually make my symptoms better #but lets me recontextualize them in a way that makes it easier to live with them #i think that's part of the reason i liked my previous psychiatrist so much #even though she wasn't a therapist per se

elperian responded to this post:

I had so much anxiety about emails I once took 6 months to respond, but in my defense they never emailed me in between asking for a f/u so could it really have been that urgent?

I replied:

My conversations with myself sound a lot like that, lol.

Had my follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist, admitted that things are not great, and while not much got resolved beyond “trying to be physically healthier, have been dealing with hypomania, depression, and anxiety,” she wants to see me in two weeks again.

While I’m still ambivalent about her, it’s nice to be taken seriously, at least.

Tagged: #i also tried to explain that the anxiety is deeply tied up in autistic stuff but not sure i was clear about that

heckofabecca responded to this post:

SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR A NEW PSYCHIATRIST

I replied:

She was assigned by student health, so not an option, unfortunately!

heckofabecca responded:

ugh, gross! well if you want help with scripting stuff to get her to address what you want to address (you're paying her!!! she is YOUR provider, not the other way around!) i'm happy to help!!!!

as someone who also has anxiety, seriously, i really want to help you if I can, you deserve care that treats your concerns as important!!!

I replied:

thank you <3

tree said:

having a dismissive psychiatrist is the worst. if you try and advocate for your own care you're labelled difficult or non-compliant or, once, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. *empathetic fistbump of solidarity*

xn3city said:

SO frustrating. Sympathy

The relief I felt at checking my uni email and having no emails directed personally to me was so vast that even I feel it’s ridiculous.

I mean, I do have things to be somewhat stressed about, but it’s like I went from “oh my God, my heart’s going to stop as soon as I click” to a massive weight falling off my chest and shoulders.

Now all I have to do is work myself up to the phone call to set up a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist about … uh, anxiety.

Tagged: #i exist in two forms: no fucks given and this is how i die #it's sometimes productive but mostly not fun

My psychiatrist left the university, so I just had an appointment with a perfect stranger to discuss the brain weasels in order to get my prescriptions and

a) aghhgjhhhggghhh

b) it’s kind of a trip every time a new person says I might have anxiety

#lmao no shit

[ETA 3/9/2024: I'm still experiencing long-term consequences of losing her tbh!!]