anghraine

It feels a bit silly to measure time by fanfic, but according to AO3, it’s been over ten and a half years (!!!!!!!!!) since I finished First Impressions.

I’m just … it doesn’t feel recent, but it certainly doesn’t feel like that long, yet it was one of the last things I did in my all-Austen-fandom-all-the-time phase, before I jumped into SW fandom. And my earliest SW fics are ten years old now (somehow???).

But idk, it seems so strange.

Tagged: #my birthday is in ten days and i'm both looking forward to it and feeling a bit weird about it this year #idk i feel like i should be more ~accomplished at this point in my life #or more something #maybe because the things people point to as accomplishments whenever i mention it #are pretty far back too #in any case objective lengths of time just don't match up with how the passage of time feels and it's weird #might be different if my best friend were here (he was born 11 days after me) but we haven't seen each other for over a year #/sigh

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Temporary One (Fleetwood Mac)

An anon said:

I was also told by a psychologist that bipolar depression is usually worse than mdd/unipolar depression, it really is messed up how it’s overlooked and people seem to really underestimate how bad it is to have bipolar ii. Like it’s not that bad if you don’t have mania that ends up with you in the hospital

I replied:

Some quick research turned up a lot of debate about bipolar vs major depression, but regardless, I agree that there seems this tendency to understate/underestimate what bipolar II is like. Of course mania is more severe than hypomania (that’s what defines the distinction!), but depression is so dominant in both that only treating bipolar I as the real deal is puzzling and awful IMO.

And if “mere” hypomania is supposedly not enough to make bipolar II a serious problem for those of us with it, what about depression with no mania at all? It’s just a terribly harmful perspective all around.

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Piano Man (Billy Joel)

beatrice_otter responded to this post:

In general, from what I know of the fields of psychology and psychiatry, that is ABSOLUTELY the case with pretty much every disorder. The thing that spurs research is not "how much does this disrupt your life/how hard is it to live with" but rather "how much does this annoy/freak out the people around you."

This is one of the reason we need more people with disabilities in the medical field, both in research and treatment.

heckofabecca said:

Fascinating, ty for sharing

not-that-manic-pixie-dream-girl said [on Feb 25th]:

True, i’ve been in two sides and for me depression is 100 times worst than mania/hypomania

When i’m depressed my life literally stops for months. I can’t study,i can’t work, i can’t have sex with my girlfriend, i don’t eat,i don’t exercise,i don’t clean the house , I DON’T DO ANYTHING vs mania/hypomania i can still carry my life,of course there’s bad consequences

[ETA 5/14/2024: I don't know if I responded to any of these people at the time, but I thought the responses were intriguing/pleasant enough to preserve.]

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Fire and Ice (Pat Benatar)

I was reading an article on one of the medications I take for bipolar II, in relation to its use in managing both bipolar I and II. And it was really interesting in a lot of ways, but one of the things it talked about is how scholars have often focused on mania, but the research is pretty clear that bipolar depression is much more dominant with both bipolar I and bipolar II and frequently more disruptive.

And, honestly, that is definitely my experience? It’s not to say that hypomania hasn’t been super disruptive (it starts out great! so much energy! but then my thoughts just skitter around and I can’t focus on anything, and I start getting really aggressive). But one of the most alarming things about it is that, once I realize what’s going on, I know the “high” is going to crash into depression at some point, and that lasts much longer and is more ruinous. And that mix of the high and the looming dread of depression is … weird.

I mean, my experience is that people definitely take mania (even hypomania) more seriously, so it was interesting and kind of validating to read that, yup, bipolar depression is Really That Bad for most bipolar people.

(I think, also, that the prioritization of mania/hypomania and kind of dismissive attitude towards bipolar depression is bad for people with unipolar/major depression as well. IMO the root is “depression isn’t that big of a deal, but mania is freaky,” and if your operating assumption is that depression is nbd, that can easily extend to major depression. And as someone who was misdiagnosed w/ major depression for a long time, I did run into that often enough.)

Tagged: #my deeper-yet suspicion is that there's a prioritization of what is most disruptive for /other/ people in a lot of research #much more than the actual patients #this article also got into how the assumption has often been that bipolar people's lives are mostly split between mania/depression/normal #but it increasingly seems that the bulk of our lives are depressive (mainly) and manic (sometimes) #w/ comparatively brief non-cycling periods #which strongly affects quality of life /for bipolar people/ #so

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Do Ya (Electric Light Orchestra)

Mental health complaining:

One of the things about having bipolar II + autism + generalized anxiety is that … sometimes, it feels like it shouldn’t be a big deal, and maybe is hardly even a thing (or things, rather). There are people with actual mania and/or major problems with “functioning” and/or full-on panic attacks, so making a fuss is just ignoring the people who have real problems. (It doesn’t really help that there’s a lot of rhetoric around them that says pretty much exactly that, especially with regard to autism.)

But also, sometimes the bipolar-autistic-anxious stew is so overpowering and disruptive that when people go on about how it’s all quite mild, really, not even disabilities as such, it sounds about as batshit as what’s going on in my head.

So, on the one hand: I have the milder forms of everything, am not truly disabled, am probably taking attention from people with Real Problems, and should be much more able to cope and do normal person things.

On the other hand: I have a stack of mutually reinforcing disorders, large dosages, a history of mental breakdowns + there are a lot of Normal People Things I simply can’t do or can only do to a very limited extent. I am a literally crazy person.

End result: I feel even crazier than I was already!

Tagged: #my psychiatrist pointed out that it's already taking more than the usual max dosages to keep me stable #(in an unrelated conversation) #and yet part of me is thinking... do i have real problems??? #obviously i don't /really/ think that but it is a daily tug-of-war in my head #between 'wtf? i'm bipolar AND autistic AND severely anxious of course i have real problems' #and '...but other people have it worse so i should really be more competent than i am...' #meh #anyway i cherish a special resentment against people who act like hypomania is just funtimes and sparkles #+ ones who say this kind of autism is just being awkward and intense about hobbies #ughhhhh

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: The Way Life's Meant to Be (Electric Light Orchestra)

In response to this post, squirrel-wolf said:

Yay! That's excellent!

rapidashrider said:

Those are all important things so I’m chuffed for you :D

jubaah said:

Yeah!!!!

I replied:

Thank you!!!

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Jump (Van Halen)

I’m still incredibly, terrifyingly behind on everything, but I showered etc, cleaned off my desk, and paid my laboratory bill, which makes me feel accomplished, anyway.

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Do You Believe in Love (Huey Lewis & The News)

tree responded to this post:

holy crap, that's a huge amount to accomplish. on days i manage to shower, the shower itself is usually my One Thing i get done that day. so for what it's worth, i think you're doing a h*ckin' good job.

I replied (on Feb 12th):

Thank you!! It feels like such a mixture of "wow, I did so much" and, well, not, so I appreciate it :)

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Uptown Girl (Billy Joel)

It seems ridiculous, but—

I feel sort of accomplished by the fact that I:

got up at 8 AM
posted materials for my class
played a Guild Wars mission with my mother
drank tea
ate breakfast
answered a student email
posted instructions/announcements for the week in Blackboard
showered
brushed some of my hair
brushed all my teeth
took my medications (bipolar meds & asthma ones & supplements)
tried to return a call

There are other things that I not only need to do, but should have finished at absolute latest last week, and meanwhile, my brain is like “okay, but we brushed a mat out of our hair for the first time in six weeks”

Tagged: #even my best friend is like 'but you're so high-functioning' and meanwhile getting my shit together enough for basic hygiene is just #this ordeal #and has always been! #because a) getting my shit together enough to do much of anything is a very steep climb #esp things with more than one part to them #and b) sensation is Bad #except peeling the skin off my lips. which i do for no reason but have never managed to stop. #but nearly everything else is high intensity red alert #ugh #i should be doing more things than this! but a lot of days i don't manage this much so ?????????

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Love of My Life (Queen)

I reblogged a Twitter screenshot about being "fine" under the pandemic, aka feeling exhausted and depressed and generally awful despite not personally having COVID or being under financial threat.

Tagged: #yeahhhh #i mean #i'd probably be that anyway but still

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Telephone Line (Electric Light Orchestra)

I reblogged this post about the horrors (email) and added:

#adkf;ad #i sent an email to my committee chair this morning and didn't put off reading his reply so i was like... okay my day is over now

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Leave My Body (Florence + The Machine)

Academia+mental health rambles:

( Read more... )

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: '39 (Queen)

yavieriel replied to this post:

Ugh, that therapist sounds super unhelpful. Good luck with finding a new one! In theory I would say that if there are multiple therapists available, they should understand a request of "I didn't find [therapist] a good fit, is someone else available?" but I realize in practice that might be less workable.

I replied (on Jan 24th):

Yeah, definitely very unhelpful. I wish I could remember her name so I could specifically request not to have her, lol.

yavieriel responded:

They might have a staff page with pictures and names, if that would help.

tree said (on Jan 23rd):

this is the kind of thing that the "just ask for help!" brigade never seems to understand. it's work and it's hard and it never stops. *solidarity fistbump*

I replied (on Jan 24th):

Exactly!

southsidestory said (on Feb 10th):

I'm bipolar II like you, and I also have PTSD and GAD. EMDR therapy was literally life changing and life saving for my PTSD recovery. But. I've found therapy very minimally helpful for my bipolar. Medication is the only thing that has truly improved my mood swings. So I understand your hesitancy, and also, that last therapist you had sounds incompetent at best and invalidating at worst. I hope you find somebody better! ❤️

I replied (on Feb 17th):

Thank you! And yes, that’s largely my experience—when I had severe disassociative depression, therapy helped some, but it kind of reached a point where the depressive side wasn’t as bad, but nothing except mood stabilizers+antipsychotics really seemed to prevent it. And in general, it’s pretty well under control these days unless there’s some significant strain (as now). I mean, knowing I could snap into cycling at any moment isn’t a fun way to live—even setting ASD and GAD aside—but it’s much better than before, therapist or no therapist.

Re: the last therapist … yeah, exactly. Thanks!

Tagged: #honestly therapy has been most useful when there's some insight that doesn't actually make my symptoms better #but lets me recontextualize them in a way that makes it easier to live with them #i think that's part of the reason i liked my previous psychiatrist so much #even though she wasn't a therapist per se

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Spectrum (Florence + The Machine)

Brain weasel whining:

Yesterday, my psychiatrist called me at 5:30 PM and was like “oh, by the way, you should go back to therapy, your dosages are already high and that’s all that I’m really equipped to handle” and it’s like … I shouldn’t be always comparing her with the previous psychiatrist who left my uni, but I stopped going to therapy specifically bc she was so much more helpful than my therapist. The therapist was of the “everyone’s brains are different uwu” type and ugh.

#she [ETA 4/19/2024: the previous therapist, not my psychiatrist] was at the same time /also/ of the 'everyone has anxiety in their own way' type #maybe i'd get a different one this time and i /have/ had good therapists in the past but :\

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Different Drum (Stone Poneys)

I figured out a way to send emails to my class without seeing my inbox, which … obviously I should check my inbox, but it’s a big relief to be able to send updates on Bad Days without the terror of my inbox. I LIVE.

Meanwhile, at the appointment:

Psychiatrist: Is there anything that makes you less anxious about checking your email?

Me: Not doing it.

Tagged: #/sigh #honestly kind of sorry for my students but here we are

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Telephone Line (Electric Light Orchestra)

Had my follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist, admitted that things are not great, and while not much got resolved beyond “trying to be physically healthier, have been dealing with hypomania, depression, and anxiety,” she wants to see me in two weeks again.

While I’m still ambivalent about her, it’s nice to be taken seriously, at least.

Tagged: #i also tried to explain that the anxiety is deeply tied up in autistic stuff but not sure i was clear about that

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: There Are Worse Things I Could Do (Stockard Channing)

I reblogged this post and added:

oh, and also, health insurance

unnamedelement responded:

This is so real

I replied:

glad it's relatable, lol

wildarthings said:

I left my phd program after a year (it wasn't working) and I still feel flashes of guilt and shame that I wasn't willing to stick it out. Academia is so guilt inducing and I'm just waiting for the year when it no longer has its shame tendrils in my life.

I replied:

It really is! I hope you feel better.

wildarthings responded:

Thank you!!! I really hope you get what you want out of your path thru academia, whatever you decide to do with it. :) :) :)

primeideal said:

relatable hahahhaha sorry. i survived though!!

colorwheels14 said:

My advice to you is if you go the academic job route, choose the one that actuallly fits your interests. I wanted to teach, and so I'm at a teaching university, vs. a research university. I may want to do something else in the future that may or may not be related to that anymore, but there are lots of paths that don't involve TT research university jobs.

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Wanted Dead Or Alive (Bon Jovi)

tbh … sometimes pride, guilt, and sunk costs are all that keep me in academia

Tagged: #i respect a lot of academics but there is SO MUCH that i'm disaffected with and have 0 interest in doing #and even stuff i genuinely need to do seems kind of intolerable yet unimportant #i know some of it is brain stuff but some of it is Not

[ETA 4/13/2024: The "brain stuff" was my extreme depression in 2021. I was not exactly wrong about academia, but the impact of COVID-19 + poorly controlled bipolar mood swings + grad school + difficulties of my field made for a particularly grim experience of that year. So that's what the depression tag is about, even when the post is not specifically about depression.]

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Manic Monday (The Bangles)

I reblogged a post from theclassicsreader that simply reads:

grad school (derogatory)

Tagged: #no lies detected! #i'm so Done with grad school that i can't express it

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Turn To Stone (Electric Light Orchestra)

I grumped under f-lock awhile back about a really bizarre anon on Tumblr who interrogated me about why I think intent and mental capacity affect moral culpability. Some three or four asks later, I lost patience with them, but my original response is maybe relevant to people's interests here.

(The immediate context was Kylo Ren wank, but I largely bypassed that for LET'S TALK ABOUT ETHICS.)

Anon:

Do you mind explaining what you mean about diminished capacity? I have a hard time getting where it matters. Even if the intent is not the same the end result doesn't change. In order to not excuse it, they both need to be treated the same.. I don't get how diminished capacity would make Kylo Ren somehow less immoral than Hux. He still did those things. Some things cannot be made up for.

Me:

The concept that intent does not alter the morality of crime is … completely contrary to how criminal law works. And most systems of ethics.

I’m a lot more interested in ethics than further villain wank, which I feel I have very thoroughly addressed, so I’m talking about the role of intent and capacity in morality here.

TW for murder, torture, rape, suicide, and disassociative depression/mania

( Read more... )

Current Location: Oakland(ish)
Current Music: Canon in D (Pachelbel; Mike Strickland)

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Anghraine

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