anghraine | Entries tagged with bipolar ii

An anon said:

I was also told by a psychologist that bipolar depression is usually worse than mdd/unipolar depression, it really is messed up how it’s overlooked and people seem to really underestimate how bad it is to have bipolar ii. Like it’s not that bad if you don’t have mania that ends up with you in the hospital

I replied:

Some quick research turned up a lot of debate about bipolar vs major depression, but regardless, I agree that there seems this tendency to understate/underestimate what bipolar II is like. Of course mania is more severe than hypomania (that’s what defines the distinction!), but depression is so dominant in both that only treating bipolar I as the real deal is puzzling and awful IMO.

And if “mere” hypomania is supposedly not enough to make bipolar II a serious problem for those of us with it, what about depression with no mania at all? It’s just a terribly harmful perspective all around.

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Piano Man (Billy Joel)

beatrice_otter responded to this post:

In general, from what I know of the fields of psychology and psychiatry, that is ABSOLUTELY the case with pretty much every disorder. The thing that spurs research is not "how much does this disrupt your life/how hard is it to live with" but rather "how much does this annoy/freak out the people around you."

This is one of the reason we need more people with disabilities in the medical field, both in research and treatment.

heckofabecca said:

Fascinating, ty for sharing

not-that-manic-pixie-dream-girl said [on Feb 25th]:

True, i’ve been in two sides and for me depression is 100 times worst than mania/hypomania

When i’m depressed my life literally stops for months. I can’t study,i can’t work, i can’t have sex with my girlfriend, i don’t eat,i don’t exercise,i don’t clean the house , I DON’T DO ANYTHING vs mania/hypomania i can still carry my life,of course there’s bad consequences

[ETA 5/14/2024: I don't know if I responded to any of these people at the time, but I thought the responses were intriguing/pleasant enough to preserve.]

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Fire and Ice (Pat Benatar)

I was reading an article on one of the medications I take for bipolar II, in relation to its use in managing both bipolar I and II. And it was really interesting in a lot of ways, but one of the things it talked about is how scholars have often focused on mania, but the research is pretty clear that bipolar depression is much more dominant with both bipolar I and bipolar II and frequently more disruptive.

And, honestly, that is definitely my experience? It’s not to say that hypomania hasn’t been super disruptive (it starts out great! so much energy! but then my thoughts just skitter around and I can’t focus on anything, and I start getting really aggressive). But one of the most alarming things about it is that, once I realize what’s going on, I know the “high” is going to crash into depression at some point, and that lasts much longer and is more ruinous. And that mix of the high and the looming dread of depression is … weird.

I mean, my experience is that people definitely take mania (even hypomania) more seriously, so it was interesting and kind of validating to read that, yup, bipolar depression is Really That Bad for most bipolar people.

(I think, also, that the prioritization of mania/hypomania and kind of dismissive attitude towards bipolar depression is bad for people with unipolar/major depression as well. IMO the root is “depression isn’t that big of a deal, but mania is freaky,” and if your operating assumption is that depression is nbd, that can easily extend to major depression. And as someone who was misdiagnosed w/ major depression for a long time, I did run into that often enough.)

Tagged: #my deeper-yet suspicion is that there's a prioritization of what is most disruptive for /other/ people in a lot of research #much more than the actual patients #this article also got into how the assumption has often been that bipolar people's lives are mostly split between mania/depression/normal #but it increasingly seems that the bulk of our lives are depressive (mainly) and manic (sometimes) #w/ comparatively brief non-cycling periods #which strongly affects quality of life /for bipolar people/ #so

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Do Ya (Electric Light Orchestra)

Mental health complaining:

One of the things about having bipolar II + autism + generalized anxiety is that … sometimes, it feels like it shouldn’t be a big deal, and maybe is hardly even a thing (or things, rather). There are people with actual mania and/or major problems with “functioning” and/or full-on panic attacks, so making a fuss is just ignoring the people who have real problems. (It doesn’t really help that there’s a lot of rhetoric around them that says pretty much exactly that, especially with regard to autism.)

But also, sometimes the bipolar-autistic-anxious stew is so overpowering and disruptive that when people go on about how it’s all quite mild, really, not even disabilities as such, it sounds about as batshit as what’s going on in my head.

So, on the one hand: I have the milder forms of everything, am not truly disabled, am probably taking attention from people with Real Problems, and should be much more able to cope and do normal person things.

On the other hand: I have a stack of mutually reinforcing disorders, large dosages, a history of mental breakdowns + there are a lot of Normal People Things I simply can’t do or can only do to a very limited extent. I am a literally crazy person.

End result: I feel even crazier than I was already!

Tagged: #my psychiatrist pointed out that it's already taking more than the usual max dosages to keep me stable #(in an unrelated conversation) #and yet part of me is thinking... do i have real problems??? #obviously i don't /really/ think that but it is a daily tug-of-war in my head #between 'wtf? i'm bipolar AND autistic AND severely anxious of course i have real problems' #and '...but other people have it worse so i should really be more competent than i am...' #meh #anyway i cherish a special resentment against people who act like hypomania is just funtimes and sparkles #+ ones who say this kind of autism is just being awkward and intense about hobbies #ughhhhh

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: The Way Life's Meant to Be (Electric Light Orchestra)

Shout-out to all the profs who encouraged and supported me when I was in my late teens/early twenties even though I was insufferably obnoxious.

Tagged: #some of them really didn't—but some were great #at a point where i really needed encouragement

[ETA 4/23/2024: obviously I can still be obnoxious, lol, but the concentrated rage of a repressed undiagnosed autistic & bipolar 20-year-old closeted baby lesbian raised Mormon was a very distinct experience that got less intense as I altered my social world. It will always affect me, but a lot of my writing from that period is just kind of consumed in my towering frustration with almost every aspect of my life in a way that became less true over time. I do really appreciate the professors who saw past the abrasiveness of my writing to some deeper potential.]

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: The Show Must Go On (Queen)

yavieriel replied to this post:

Ugh, that therapist sounds super unhelpful. Good luck with finding a new one! In theory I would say that if there are multiple therapists available, they should understand a request of "I didn't find [therapist] a good fit, is someone else available?" but I realize in practice that might be less workable.

I replied (on Jan 24th):

Yeah, definitely very unhelpful. I wish I could remember her name so I could specifically request not to have her, lol.

yavieriel responded:

They might have a staff page with pictures and names, if that would help.

tree said (on Jan 23rd):

this is the kind of thing that the "just ask for help!" brigade never seems to understand. it's work and it's hard and it never stops. *solidarity fistbump*

I replied (on Jan 24th):

Exactly!

southsidestory said (on Feb 10th):

I'm bipolar II like you, and I also have PTSD and GAD. EMDR therapy was literally life changing and life saving for my PTSD recovery. But. I've found therapy very minimally helpful for my bipolar. Medication is the only thing that has truly improved my mood swings. So I understand your hesitancy, and also, that last therapist you had sounds incompetent at best and invalidating at worst. I hope you find somebody better! ❤️

I replied (on Feb 17th):

Thank you! And yes, that’s largely my experience—when I had severe disassociative depression, therapy helped some, but it kind of reached a point where the depressive side wasn’t as bad, but nothing except mood stabilizers+antipsychotics really seemed to prevent it. And in general, it’s pretty well under control these days unless there’s some significant strain (as now). I mean, knowing I could snap into cycling at any moment isn’t a fun way to live—even setting ASD and GAD aside—but it’s much better than before, therapist or no therapist.

Re: the last therapist … yeah, exactly. Thanks!

Tagged: #honestly therapy has been most useful when there's some insight that doesn't actually make my symptoms better #but lets me recontextualize them in a way that makes it easier to live with them #i think that's part of the reason i liked my previous psychiatrist so much #even though she wasn't a therapist per se

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Spectrum (Florence + The Machine)

Brain weasel whining:

Yesterday, my psychiatrist called me at 5:30 PM and was like “oh, by the way, you should go back to therapy, your dosages are already high and that’s all that I’m really equipped to handle” and it’s like … I shouldn’t be always comparing her with the previous psychiatrist who left my uni, but I stopped going to therapy specifically bc she was so much more helpful than my therapist. The therapist was of the “everyone’s brains are different uwu” type and ugh.

#she [ETA 4/19/2024: the previous therapist, not my psychiatrist] was at the same time /also/ of the 'everyone has anxiety in their own way' type #maybe i'd get a different one this time and i /have/ had good therapists in the past but :\

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Different Drum (Stone Poneys)

Had my follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist, admitted that things are not great, and while not much got resolved beyond “trying to be physically healthier, have been dealing with hypomania, depression, and anxiety,” she wants to see me in two weeks again.

While I’m still ambivalent about her, it’s nice to be taken seriously, at least.

Tagged: #i also tried to explain that the anxiety is deeply tied up in autistic stuff but not sure i was clear about that

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: There Are Worse Things I Could Do (Stockard Channing)

I have really complicated feelings about being autistic and bipolar, but my feelings are NOT complicated about anxiety. It’s awful and I hate it and would do a lot to make it go away but nothing works!! So I just live in dread of about ten million different things all the time.

Meanwhile, my psychiatrist is like “I’m concerned about you oversleeping” when literally everyone has thought it’s a sort of anxiety burnout that causes the oversleeping anyway, but she wants to run tests that I’ve already had many times before, and has apparently no interest in dealing with the anxiety and AGHHHHH

Tagged: #things i'm regularly anxious about: #checking my email. bugs getting on my skin. showers. car accidents. falling down stairs. choking on food. #starting things in general #eye contact #anger #also when i was like 'i think i'm having a hypomanic episode' she was sure i was just stressed #and oversleeping #a week later: all is futile and hopeless. why bother with anything. i'm profoundly mediocre and will never succeed at anything #now i've sort of evened out but i KNEW i was cycling and she wouldn't listen >:(

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Strangeness and Charm (Florence + The Machine)

I reblogged a post from fairycosmos about how frustrating it is to be mentally ill while knowing how you're coming across, and added:

#god this #especially when you keep doing the same things after telling yourself you would not do the same things if given a chance but can't seem to ever get it right #and then people are like oh there's nothing wrong :) everyone's brain is different :) :) :) #like... fuck offfff #autism #depression #anxiety #hypomania #everything lol

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Still Within the Sound of My Voice (Linda Ronstadt)

So I’m bipolar and take two different medications for it, both of which list ‘drowsiness’ as side effects on the bottles, and I’ve spent a year and a half wondering why I’m tired all the time.

>_<

Tagged: #clearly i am a stable genius

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Over The Rainbow (Judy Garland)

“I was a mess until I got put on antipsychotics” is a miserable discussion to have with actual professionals in my life, but I now have to explain the first two years of my PhD, so apparently it’s going to happen.

:\

Tagged: #i'm still hardly stable but 2017-18 was like. batshit.

[ETA 3/9/2024: unfortunately the two years after this were worse mental health years than 2017-18 by an order of magnitude, esp 2021!]

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: I Love Rock 'N Roll (Joan Jett & The Blackhearts)

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and she thinks I need to eat better (true) and that I'm hypomanic right now (also true), so ... there's that. At least the appointment is over and I can go back to my brain buzzing in a million different directions without being additionally stressed about her.

I'm trying to read a biography of Thomas More by his son-in-law and it's incredibly slow-going—unsurprisingly, given where my concentration is at right now. He's in the Tower now, though, so the end is in sight.

A stranger on Tumblr said I was an international treasure for a post describing everything we know about Pemberley from the book, which was really sweet, esp on a post I didn't at all expect it on.

And I've been working on pro patria, my GW2 slight-AU fic, which has a whopping six bookmarks on AO3, but which I know some people read and which I'm deeply attached to. My version of the PC is deeply flawed and really fun (for me). RIP to the notifications of the people subscribed to my AO3 for ... idk, literally anything else, though. I do wish I had some more motivation for Darcy/Elizabeth right now, though. I'd love to get through tolerably well acquainted. Or make some progress on the Darcy/Elizabeth femslash fic that occupies part of my brain. Or anything—I'm having amorphous Darcy/Elizabeth feelings that I can't really articulate atm.

I'd like to make more progress on my Faramir/Aragorn femslash verse, too, although it's even more niche than the GW2 fix-fic. F!Aragorn/Aranor is still problematic, but also really attractive to me (which makes her funner to write), and I might like this f!Faramir (Míriel) even better than the other one, much as I love both. I didn't come up with machinations to keep Míriel in Minas Tirith during the evacuation, so she just gets one piece of astounding news after the other before she even shows up in MT, now in a very uncertain position. It'll be fun!... someday.

Current Location: Washington
Current Music: Your Place In History (Epic Score)

brain weasels whining

( Read more... )

Current Mood: blah

I grumped under f-lock awhile back about a really bizarre anon on Tumblr who interrogated me about why I think intent and mental capacity affect moral culpability. Some three or four asks later, I lost patience with them, but my original response is maybe relevant to people's interests here.

(The immediate context was Kylo Ren wank, but I largely bypassed that for LET'S TALK ABOUT ETHICS.)

Anon:

Do you mind explaining what you mean about diminished capacity? I have a hard time getting where it matters. Even if the intent is not the same the end result doesn't change. In order to not excuse it, they both need to be treated the same.. I don't get how diminished capacity would make Kylo Ren somehow less immoral than Hux. He still did those things. Some things cannot be made up for.

Me:

The concept that intent does not alter the morality of crime is … completely contrary to how criminal law works. And most systems of ethics.

I’m a lot more interested in ethics than further villain wank, which I feel I have very thoroughly addressed, so I’m talking about the role of intent and capacity in morality here.

TW for murder, torture, rape, suicide, and disassociative depression/mania

( Read more... )

Current Location: Oakland(ish)
Current Music: Canon in D (Pachelbel; Mike Strickland)

Day 3:

- trying not to chew anyone's head off
- kind of hate everything
- nearly finished a chapter I've been struggling over for a year and a half (I mean, between the cracks of my life as 1. a grad student and 2. a faculty member). in a week
- re-organized the litmag's files in a fit of frustration
- barely restrained myself from furiously reblogging everyone who disagrees with me
- craving food constantly
- played four levels of Divinity: Original Sin. it's the only thing I seem capable of enjoying right now
- still at a grand total of eight hours of sleep since Saturday
- my reflection looks exhausted
- I feel 1000% alert
- fuck every single person who thinks hypomania is fun and romantic

Current Location: Oakland(ish)
Current Music: Don't Stop Believin' (Journey)

Profile

Anghraine

April 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30

Syndicate

Page Summary

Tumblr crosspost (24 February 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (24 February 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (24 February 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (23 February 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (25 January 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (23 January 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (23 January 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (21 January 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (14 January 2021)
Tumblr crosspost (11 December 2020)
Tumblr crosspost (2 December 2020)
Tumblr crosspost (30 November 2020)
general update
Tumblr crosspost (17 August 2019)
I'm really not a consequentalist (news at eleven?)
the body is willing but the spirit is weak

Active Entries

Style Credit

Style: Dark Blue for Funky Circles by ninetydegrees

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Apr. 23rd, 2025 10:31 am